How To Write A Condolence Message

What is the definition of condolence?

The noun ‘condolence’ comes from the Late Latin word ‘condole’ which means ‘to suffer together’.

“Sympathy and sadness for the family or close friends of a person who has recently died, or an expression of this, especially in written form.”

Should you send a condolence message?

Many people wonder if they should send a message? If you are asking the question, the answer is quite simply, ‘yes’. The person grieving may be feeling lost, helpless and alone. When deciding what to write, consider how close you were to the person who has died and perhaps the circumstances of the way your life touched their life. Remember, you are expressing your sadness and sympathy for the bereaved and in some situations, you may not have known the person who has died, or only been briefly acquainted with them.

What to include in a condolence message?

• Refer to the person who has died by their name
• Express your feelings openly
• Convey your sympathy
• Mention something special/unique about the person who has died and their wonderful qualities
• Share a memory that they might not know
• Offer to help, to visit, perhaps to cook or simply to listen
• Finish with an expression of sympathy

Be expressive with the words you use

The recipient of the condolence message will find comfort from hearing the name of their loved one. Introducing words that convey what the person was like will substantiate how special that person was and confirm the sincerity of your message. When writing a condolence message, we must always remember that our relationship with the deceased person will never be the same as that to whom we are writing. Sharing a memory can bring a feeling of support, or a smile to a person’s face and feelings of connection are so important. Help is often wanted but can be easily rejected if it is ambiguous, so be positive about the ways you can offer help. You could offer to come round and cook, bring a takeaway, or look after children and/or pets.

How to send a condolence message

There are many ways that you can communicate your condolences. Even if you feel lost for words, taking the time to put pen to paper in a letter, card or a note will add the personal touch.

Sending a handwritten note or a card is still the most traditional way to send a message of condolence. If you don’t have a postal address, you can send an email. Many of us communicate today not only by email but text, but in this situation, you might want to consider if this is the best way to convey your sympathy. Both have the advantage of speed and perhaps if you don’t know the person that well, you may find this an appropriate way. Some people choose to make comments on social media but be careful before you do this as it may not be the right forum for some very heartfelt messages. A selection of how to send a condolence message could be:

• Note, card or letter
• Online messages
• Text messages
• Flowers to the family home
• A sympathy candle gift

Include a condolence message on a sympathy candle gift

Lighting a candle is a way of paying tribute to the life and the legacy of the departed loved one. It signifies that their legacy shines brightly and their memory lives on and hence makes for a meaningful gift to receive. Candles are available where the name and dates of the deceased person can be added and a short message of condolence can also be included.

When to send condolences

If you are close to the person who has had a loved one die, you should send your condolences as soon as possible after hearing about their death. You can also send a card or an email within a few days or near to the time of the funeral or memorial service.

If you are a casual friend or the person who has died was part of a wider social group, condolences can be sent within a few days or even after the funeral. However, it is important to remember that it is never too late to send your condolences to acknowledge the death, express your sympathy and let them know you are thinking about them.

Why send a condolence message

You can experience many feelings when writing a message including feeling awkward, distressed, and even embarrassed and it is certainly something that you are not asked to do every day.

There is no perfect condolence message, as the sorrow that the bereaved person is feeling will not go away. However, a condolence message will show that you care and offer support to give them strength and hope whilst reminding them that they are not alone, and that support is at the end of a phone. It will bring comfort and let them know that you are thinking of them which can be particularly poignant and meaningful if you live far away and are unable to attend the funeral or memorial service in person. By making contact, it shows you are reaching out and they are in your thoughts.

The don’ts of how to write a condolence message

• Write a few considered sentences – don’t write too much
• Be aware that grief is a unique experience and avoid clichés such as ‘for the best’, or ‘time is a great healer’
• Don’t make comparisons such as comparing your feelings with their feelings
• Focus your message on them and their bereavement – don’t make it about you
• Unless you know their beliefs, don’t introduce religion
• Avoid offering advice and/or telling them what to do

How can CPJ Field help with writing a condolence message?

Sending condolences will give you clarity and may bring inner calm. You will be able to think about your relationship with the person who has died and you can evaluate it. For those grieving, simply hearing from you will let them know you are thinking of them and that they are not alone.

Expressing your love is far better than ignoring them at this painful time. Be true to yourself and write honestly, sensitively and sincerely. At CPJ Field, we can set up an obituary page for your loved one on our website where friends and family will be able to leave messages of condolence as well as to upload photos, make tributes and place monetary donations that will go to your chosen charity or charities.